7 Tips to Survive Your Next Rural Dive Bar Visit

Dive Bar

A well-worn, unglamorous bar, often serving a cheap, simple selection of drinks to a regular clientele. (Urban Dictionary)

Dive bars can be a lot of fun. This is especially so when you are visiting the country. However, there are some very important things to remember. If you don’t follow this short guide then you may end up in the hospital, talking to a guy named Chance or stalked by Peter Travis.

Say Hello

So you’ve arrived at the bar and just made your entrance. Be calm and make your way to the bar. If it’s a small crowd, say hello to the guy next to you. Don’t be alarmed if there are no females to be found. Remain calm. You don’t want to spook the bar flies.

Don’t Say Hello to the Wrong Guy

Okay you just said hello to the guy next to you and sat down at the bar. You are eager to order a beer and a shot but hold on a just a minute. Who did you just say hello to? If it’s a creepy Randy then you just made a huge mistake. I said to say hello but you just can’t say hello to any Chance, Peter or Randy. Don’t be an jerk but also don’t say hello to the wrong guy.

Order a Cheap Beer and Well Liquor

Looking to try a local craft beer? Not here you’re not. You are asking for a fight if you order that $7 Tioga Sequoia.

Don’t Be a Hero

Creepy Randy will harass someone. It will happen…it always happens. Don’t intervene hero. You have no idea how strong his bear paws are.

You might be thinking “I should tell security” but there is none.

Maybe tell the bartender? Randy is their best customer!

Tell the cops? Mining shafts are normally reserved for lawyers but the locals may make an exception for you.

Don’t be a hero and drink your Miller High Life.

Play a Song on the Jukebox?

If you are smart you won’t do it. I once knew a girl who played the same song twice in a row. I never saw her again…She moved back to Ohio and we just haven’t crossed paths but the lesson here is valid.

Talk to a Girl

It doesn’t matter if you are a guy or girl. There is probably only one or two single females in a 25 mile radius so competition is fierce. The old married men can be just as bad as the young bucks. They are protective like a father and will try to scare off any outsider. Then they’ll make their feeble attempt at a one night hookup with their surrogate daughter despite them being married and having taken the role as “father.”

Watch Some TV and Order Another

Stick with your High Life and keep watching the game. You came to have some fun after all. Doesn’t get much better than this at a dive bar in the country.

Bonus Tip

Don’t Kick a Guy in the Face While He’s Sitting Down

Saw a guy do that once…true story.